Watch This Or Get Off My Blog, Hockey Puck

Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project

Jack Benny Sends Up Beverly Hills Police Department

Since I can't seem to embed the player, watch the episode by clicking here.

People often say of the police, "Haven't They Got Anything Better To Do?" In Beverly Hills, the answer is "NO!" Ask George Michael.

This episode is priceless funny. And it was YEARS before Georgie in the park, Axel F., the Slap Happy Hungarian, or even her colorful husband Prince Von Anhalt! The biggest thing thing they had to deal with then was 16 year olds showing up at Charlie Chaplin's house demanding money!

Hollywood Boulevard Has ALWAYS Been Trash! As It Should Be!

These poor delusionals who think that Downtown Hollywood was ever "high end" are too funny. It was never EVER what it is now, all West Sidey, full of trendys paying all that rent to be in a fancy "loft" that was just created out of the SRO Fleabag it had been since the 1920's. It went from Mrs. Janes' Girls School and Paul De Longpre's Flower Salon to girls walkin' Yucca and pansys in the shrubs of De Longpre Park in about a week! In the TEENS! As evidence, I offer this recording...an AMAZING little phonograph record from 1930, by which time Hollywood Boulevard was already known for attracting the two things it always has, Whores and Queers.

Enjoy "Hollywood Night Court" by clicking on the BRIGHT PINK play button, silly!

Demolish That Historic Old Thing So We Can Build...A Cheap Replica!

Everything Old Is New Again!

The Absolutely Worthless, Unhistoric, Ugly, "Architecturally Undistinguished," Building That HAD To Be Torn Down AT ALL COSTS! FOR THE CHILDREN!

The Absolutely Most Important, Historic, Beautiful, Architecturally Bold, "Homage" to the Building That Had To Be Torn Down At All Costs...FOR THE CHILDREN!

God love those fog brained, double dealing, lying criminals at LAUSD. Can you imagine the stress of keeping track of all of your "stories" then putting them over to the public with a straight face? Must be terribly taxing.

The "Absolutely Unsavable, Even Though It Has Been Saved, Has To Be Demolished" Cocoanut Grove, where most of the 20'th Century happened

And The Brand New Replica Of "The Absolutely Unsavable" Cocoanut Grove High School Auditorium, where absolutely nothing has happened (nor is anything of note likely to for decades to come, with these buffoons "teaching" the children of Los Angeles)

But the kicker? The LAUSD is going to "Honor" Bobby Kennedy (after demolishing the site of his death) and "Gift" the people of Los Angeles, by giving us what they call "The RFK Memorial Pocket Park"...Meaning, they are going to set back the prison yard fence a few feet from the sidewalk and allow us commoners to "enjoy" six feet of grass and bus benches, slap a plaque that says "RFK Was Killed Near Here" on a wall, and call it a day. The fact that there NEVER WAS a FENCE until LAUSD stole the land, and for 70 years everyone could enjoy the ENTIRE grounds, rather than a "pocket"...without having to worry about getting rolled by thug "High School Students." After living next to Hollywood High for a decade, I can assure you, the last place on EARTH anyone would find enjoyable, unless they were compiling a dictionary of foul language or into underage girls dressed in less than Sunset Boulevard street walkers, is a park bench next to a Los Angeles High School.

To Quote Jack Benny "Gee, THANKS!"

MGM And The Personal Touch...

Here is a letter a friend of mine gave me, that he recieved from the publicity department of Metro, in the '40's, when he was splitting his time between the Palladium, The Cocoanut Grove, and Ciro's. Normally I wouldn't include the envelope, but the bright red stamp was just too much...

Pee Puddle Parsons And Marion Of The Movies On A Pinko Purge

I just couldn't imagine a more...perfect, with a great big P, episode of The Louella Parson's Show. It warms up with sentences such as "I'm sure 27 Million Americans will AGREE with Cardinal Spellman..." And settles in with hot pants Morrison giving us a lecture on Capitalism while Lolly wets herself with patriotism.

Upcoming: Best Lolly Ever Contest T.C. Jones or Jennifer Tilly (I was lucky enough to see Nancy Cartwright play her in the stage version of The Cat's Meow, and that's MY sentimental favorite...but probably not widely seen, or rather heard, enough to be in competition with the others).

And Marion NEEEVVVERRRRR Looked Lovlier.

Best Book Ever

The Hillview Apartments

Before it was infested with pests, capable of eating away an entire neighborhood....

And, Today....

1943 Academy Awards Broadcast

KFWB Presents a LIVE Broadcast From Grauman's Chinese Theatre, via Short Wave for overseas audiences. How QUAINT! The show starts at 8pm, without a hint of Hollywood worrying a whit about New York. The pre-show AND the ceremony are only 53 minutes! KFWB sticks on one subject for a whole 53 minutes! The ceremony STARTS by announcing the winner of Best Picture, then moves on to the rest. And the movies nominated are GOOD. It's like an alternate universe called Opposite Hollywood!

Georgie Jessel does the pre-show from the forecourt, and Jack Benny emcees the Ceremony. The closest poor Oscar gets to Grauman's Chinese these days is chucked off a truck in the parking lot...not even THAT. The parking lot is GONE!

To download an MP3 of The Broadcast click HERE

This Week In Lies And Wonton Destruction

In the 60's when "Old Hollywood" was still pretty new, they just bulldozed. By the 1980's when preservationists began to protest, the Hollywood Developer of Every Valuable Inch of Land, lets call him D.E.V.I.L. for short, got crafty to get around the annoying "neighborhood" types with their whining about "history" and "architecture," bossy judges with their "court orders," and that STUPID Federal Government with its "National Register Of Historic Places." For example, the if the owner of the Garden Court Apartments couldn't get permission to demolish it he COULD get a permit to do roof work. The work he did was remove the roof. After the winters rains, the birdies of spring and the flocks of bats that used to be around the Boulevard, some nice person came from downtown and put a shiny red tag on his building. That technique was being used by the LAUSD as recently as a decade ago. I witnessed it myself on my first time inside the Ambassador, on a rainy day. Those weren't leaks, they were HOLES. More on The Ambassador in a moment.

The next technique, also learned at the Garden Court, was the usefulness of allowing runaways and junkies into your building by making sure the gate was always unlocked or one window in back was always unboarded. It was just a matter of time before it went up in a pretty orange blaze, and the owner would be the VICTIM! I talked to a former street kid, years ago, who had lived in The Vine Street Brown Derby for months. He said it was the best place he ever lived. They smashed up the inside, humped in the banquettes, shot up at the bar, and lit parts of the structure on fire. While that's a typical Friday Night club behavior in "New Hollywood," the old girl couldn't take it and HAD to be demolished. Squatters also got The Pan Pacific, and almost The Hillview.

I've already discussed in previous posts, and a youtube video, the recent spate of Spontaneous Hollywood Combustion (like Spontaneous Human Combustion, only WAY more frequent, and way less mysterious), so we won't go into detail on that one here. Suffice it to say, it's sweeping the town. In fact it's swept an entire corner of Hollywood and Vine entirely clear, just waiting for a high rise full of condos.

But the NEW fad, the one that is actually the smartest on the part of the D.E.V.I.L. (should have thought of it YEARS ago) is to make a deal with the preservationist by agreeing to preserve a something, then when you have a work permits and a crew, demolish it anyway and laugh at the preservationists, the courts, and The National Register.

The first time I remember this little gag, (Pia-Fair not withstanding) was when Trizec Hahn wanted to cut a giant hole in the side of Grauman's Chinese Theatre to allow "easy access" to their ugly mall. We certainly couldn't have anyone walking around the historic Landmark, and out three feet on to, EGADS! Hollywood BOULEVARD! No, must have Forecourtotomy, rip out a fountain, a pond, and a set of handprints from the 1940's (which has gone unaccounted for...my hunch is it was jackhammered out).

But if we let the Las Vegas Casino Developers (who could be trusted MORE with preservation?) chop up our single most important landmark, oh the riches we would receive in return! The interior of theatre would be refurbished top to bottom, all the missing metal pieces on the outside (of which there are many) would be recreated and replaced, the feather palms would be replanted at the sidewalk, and the hanging garden's restored to the roof. They cut the hole first. That other stuff...well, they painted it and replaced the smelly seats from 1974!

The most egregious example of course is the LAUSD finding that they just COULDN'T save the Cocoanut Grove (which made a brick shit house look unsturdy). I hope they are teaching your kids to lie as good as them, because they're certainly not teaching them any other skills useful in today's world. Well, taking a walk the other day, just from Sunset and Western to Hollywood And Vine, I saw several more things being "preserved!"

While you might think it was just a Spaghetti joint, the building was actually the first location of KNX, making it very important. The building itself is just a box, but the part of note is the columns and steps out front. The developer has said that these will be "preserved." And by "preserved" they mean smashed to shit. I assume they got their preservation instructions from Chris Breed who claims to have "restored" the interior of the Pig n' Whistle, when in actuality, he had four day laborers SLEDGEHAMMER OUT the original ceiling, and throw it in a dumpster in the back. They then quickly replaced it with NEW paper thin, prefab molded sheets and tacks. If you don't believe me, I can show you the huge chunks of the "restored" ceiling of the Pig n Whistle I dragged out of the dumpster. "It" is not "restored" if "it" is "thrown in the garbage" and something brand new that "looks like it" is put in its place.

Which brings us to our last fraud of this post (but stay tuned for the next...LAUSD Renderings!), the Bernard Luggage Building. Unconstitutionally condemned by the city through imminent domain, using a "blighted neighborhood" law used for crack houses, it was handed directly to W Hotels. Utterly baffling is why, if the neighborhood was "blighted," W Hotels would want to build a highrise hotel/condos there? It was an excuse, of course, to STEAL the land from a family that had owned and worked it for decades. What was the D.E.V.I.L. going to do with this newly acquired building, "rescued" from the "blight?" Why demolish it of course! The problem is, it is on that DAMN Hollywood Boulevard Historic Monument thingamajig, therefore it is ILLEGAL to tear it down, even if you DID steal the land. Well...people complained on this one...usually developers wreck buildings on their OWN land, but stealing it from a family was a step too far. And the Department of The Interior tends to take their list a little more seriously than grafty fascist LA Council Members (I say fascist, because that stunt was the exact dictionary definition of fascism, look it up). So W announced that the Bernard Luggage Building would be SAVED (because it would be a Federal Crime to demolish it) and "incorporated into the new project."

Look carefully at the above picture. Do you see The Bernard Luggage Building? Do you see ANY building? Do you see anything old? Historic? I see a giant open space where a now demolished historic building WAS, being filled in with brand new W Hotel. "Incorporated into," huh? A paper thin fig leaf of stucco, leaning against a new non-historic everything. The D.E.V.I.L. wins this time, but someday we'll beat them.

And if you believe that I have an entire corner of Hollywood And Vine available for you to put anything you want on! No, honestly!

Grand Hotel Premiere, Grauman's Chinese 1932

Doesn't get better than this. Except maybe removing the obnoxious Spanish subtitles obliterating half the footage. Then it wouldn't get any better...

We Had Faces!

A welcoming bunch of mugs, ain't they? Most of these have gone unnoticed for decades, mainly because they are very hard to see from the street. I've tried to see them, and never got a good look until I got a digital camera. What is interesting to me, is that almost all buildings featuring faces in sculpture or relief, are festooned with blood sucking demons, serpents, and humans in agony, with Ram Horned Baphomet lording over the front door. The Chinese, El Capitan, Egyptian, and Warner Theatres ALL have Baphomet and a Serpent over the entrance...but the Evilest of all, the Damien of Hollywood Theatres is the Hollywood Palace. It gives me the willies in the first place because I passed every day for 9 years before I noticed ANY faces in the plaster. Then one day it suddenly came alive like that thing in Pacino's Penthouse in "Devil's Advocate" It's the "Where's Waldo" of Occult Architecture. While I hardly believe Sid Grauman was attending Black Mass between poker with Zukor, and driving home to the hotel room he shared with his mommy, I certainly do know that it would have to be an impossible coincidence to have all the Boulevard theatres have the exact same symbols and themes hidden in them, randomly, for no reason. Someone along the way, followed Mephistopheles' column. I'm guessing Architect G. Albert Lansburgh might have something to do with it. He was from San Francisco and (...home to The Bohemian Club, The Church Of Satan, and all SORTS of Occult Fun...) and swirling in society circles at a time when Hell was Hot Hot Hot....He would have had the power to put these elements in his buildings, and also the influence on architects from other firms to do the same. I can imagine his office similar to the last scene of Rosemary's Baby. I mean look at that mustache? How could this guy possibly be wholesome with the corners so twisted and waxed? A topic I shall pursue at a later date...Until then, enjoy the pictures I took, and look UP at the buildings you pass instead of DOWN at the sidewalk...I promise you will find something more interesting than a hunk of pink terrazo that someone bought for themselves like a vanity plate from the DMV...)

The El Capitan Theatre

The Equitable Building, Hollywood And Vine

Hollywood Bowl Entrance

The Hollywood Pantages

El Capitan Theatre

Hollywood Pantages Theatre

Grauman's Egyptian Theatre

El Capitan Theatre

Louis B. Mayer Building

El Capitan Theatre

The Rape Of Europa, Sunset and Vine

Warner Pacific Theatre

El Capitan Theatre

Hollywood Palace

The Baine Building

Hollywood Palace

Warner Pacific Theatre

Louis B. Mayer Building

The Hollywood Palace (Orig. Playhouse)

Happy New Year!

Whether or not you live on "Lysol Alley" in a little place above Franklin and Ivar, rent three months in the rears...or in a classless tacky pile of ostentation, just off Sunset Boulevard (like the one that can be seen at 1019 Roxbury)....all chromium and spit...

Whether you spent last night surrounded by swell kids from the hock shop set at a shindig on Las Palmas...or all alone, in bed, on "wrist watch..."
Whether you are going to spend the day cruising The Strip...or just relaxing in the pool...

From Superstar, to Butler, to Rent Boy, and everyone in between (and that's quite a crowd)...Here's wishing you a Hollywood New Year (...we KNOW it isn't going to be happy, but it can be BIG!).

May your current address not be refered to as "The Murder House" in the papers in 2009...or ever!